When There Is Nothing
by Kasey47
Summary: Set to a poem I wrote a long time ago. My take on what Sara might have been feeling post 8x07. Kinda dark but she does get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Very special story to me. Please read and review. Thank you.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything connected with CSI. Cause if I did, I wouldn't have to write this dawg gone story.

**When there is nothing,**

**I can call my own**

**Where the only peace I find,**

**Is hidden inside "this" home.**

**The world outside**

**It seems so cold,**

**And life gets more complicated**

**As I grow old.**

_Well I did it. Not one of my more shining moments. Did I have to do it? Well that's the 64,000 dollar question isn't it? I don't think I have the answer for that one just yet. And maybe I never will._

_I know that I love everyone. I especially love Gil. Gilbert, ha! That's such a funny name. I often wondered what his parents were thinking when they named him that. It fits him though. It's like a misfit name. We're both a couple of misfits, like in that Rudolph show. Funny the things you think about this time of the year. _

_Anyways, back to Gil. I love him with every fiber of my being. I can't imagine my life without him. But yet, I know that right now I have nothing to give him. And I can't let him see that. See what all this is doing to me. Oh I know he would want to help, but I just can't put him through all this. It was bad enough trying to hide all those feelings from him. Thank God he's not all that inquisitive at times when he is working on a case. That trip to New York he made was perfect timing. He didn't know what was going on. How could he when I hid it so well._

_At least we are talking and that is good. I didn't want to shut him completely out of my life, and I am ever grateful that he feels the same way. Maybe we'll see each other again someday soon. But right now, I can't think about that. I need to focus on me. Me. Now that is a joke. Seems like my whole life has been one big lie. And I know I can't do that anymore. I don't deserve it. No one in my life does. _

_You know...oh crap, my roommate is back, and she'll probably want to use the bathroom before they_ _lock it for the night._

Sara walks out of the bathroom and looks shyly at her roommate. Michelle asks her who she is talking to.

"Me? I wasn't talking to no one."

"Uh huh, well it's lights out in ten minutes."

"Okay, okay. Thanks for the update."

"You ever gonna talk to me?" Michelle asks as she gets into bed. "I mean I tell you stuff about me."

"There's not much to tell really," Sara replies evasively.

"Oh honey, in here, there's plenty to tell. But it's okay. I'll get it out of you one way or another." Just then the lights are turned off, signaling that it is time to go to sleep. Sara lays down on her pillow, and did what she has done each night previously. She cries.

**When there is nothing**

**Inside my restless soul,**

**The feelings I hide**

**Help keep them under control.**

**There are no reasons**

**To have any plans or goals,**

**The curse of my misspent youth**

**Has taken it's toll.**

_Why? That question has plagued me for a long time. I'm glad that I got a chance to ask her. Think I was nervous? Hell I was petrified. Sometimes I felt so connected to her in so many ways, that I asked Gil if he thought there was a murder gene. He didn't think so, but I wasn't so sure. I had to know for myself. I had to see her again and let it go. But our meeting wasn't everything I thought it should be. Maybe it was only what it could be._

_I've been around battered women more times than I cared to admit. But with Mom, there was so much more. She didn't just leave him. She killed him. And although I can somewhat understand now why she did what she thought she had to do, he was and is still my father. I mean is it wrong to say that I loved him? That I still do? I guess it as hard for her to hear me say that._

_I spent as long as I could with her. I didn't think it would affect me the way it did. In some ways, it left me more scarred then I was previously. To see a shell of a woman staring at me for the first time in over 20 years. Do I still see that woman now when I look at me?_

The door flies open. "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest of them all?" Michelle says staring at Sara.

"Not funny. You could've given me a heart attack. Stop sneaking up on me."

"Why are you always talking in that mirror is what I want to know?" Michelle says walking over to her bed. Sara comes out of the bathroom and sits on her bed.

"It helps me."

"You know you can talk to me," Michelle says slightly offended. Sara has been a tight lipped roommate since she got there. A wallflower, who only seemed to come alive when she talks in the mirror or when she makes an occasional phone call.

"Ladies, it's time for group," a man says, standing at the doorway. Sara breathes out a heavy sigh. Freedom from having to talk to Michelle. But she hates the talking in group part.

After group, Sara goes over to make a phone call. The operator asks the receiver if they will accept the charges. After the appropriate response is keyed in, the voice comes on the phone. "Hello? Sara?"

"Yeah it's me Greg. How are you?"

"I'm fine. The question is how are you?" Sara smiles.

"I'm okay. You know it's not too bad here. I've heard of worse places."

"Well if you are okay," Greg lets it trail off. "You want me to make the call?"

"Greg I know you think it's wrong, but I just can't let him know right now."

"I understand Sar, I really do. Hold on, I'll get him on the other line." Greg switches over lines and dials the number. It is an elaborate scheme they have concocted together. Only Greg knows where she really is. The extra phone line installed under Sara's name insures that her name would come up on any caller ID.

The phone starts to ring, and Greg sits in silence as the call is picked up. "Hello?"

"Gil."

"Sara, are you okay? I haven't heard from you in a week. Where are you?"

"I'm still in San Fransisco." Well that part isn't a lie.

"Still with your mother?"

"No, um...I'm staying at a hotel here on the beach."

"But you're okay?" Grissom asks saddened by the fact that she hasn't come home after seeing her mother.

"Yes Gil, I'm fine. How are you?" She asks fighing back the tears.

"Missing you."

"I miss you too."

"When are you coming home?" he asks hopefully. Sara brushes her hair away from her face.

"I don't know."

**When there is nothing**

**In my wandering mind,**

**To build a foundation**

**To leave the past behind.**

**A mere existence**

**Plagued by raging fears,**

**The pain is shown**

**In the traces of my tears.**

_A foundation. Do I really have one? With Gil, yes maybe I do. I know he is the only home I have ever known. The only safety I've ever felt was with him. What am I so afraid of? That he will notice what I have become? That he will cease to love me because of it? That he couldn't be the one to stop me from the self destructive path I have chosen for myself?_

_Did I chose it? Or was it handed to me on a silver platter along with the rest of the pain I've had to deal with throughout my life. Foster home to foster home. Unpacking your small pittance of things, just to be told that you're not wanted there anymore. To be told your life ain't worth a damn. Mom was right. Get rid of the things that cause you pain. But what the hell am I suppose to do? Kill her? Beat the shit out of every other foster kid that hurt me throughout the years? Go to jail and attack Natalie and stick her under a car?_

_Write it down they say. Yeah and then everything is gonna go away. Ha! They give you a pen and some paper with a clip...a clip. Now why didn't I think of that before? I'll just open this up and oh where to do it? Here, yes here. I'll do it on my arm and then cover it with my sleeve. I've done it before. He never noticed it. Stop crying you damn fool. 10,000 tears are not gonna make it any better_.

"Sara?"

"Be out in a minute." Sara pulls down her shirt and hides the paper clip. She comes out of the bathroom and greets Michelle.

"We have to go now. Are you okay? You look a little strange."

"In this place? How can you tell?" Sara says breezing past her. Michelle follows her into the common room.

"Sara, Michelle late as usual I see," Elizabeth says motioning for them to sit down. "Okay today I want to talk more about what we were discussing last week. Who would like to go first? Sara you're usually quiet. Why don't you start."

"I don't have much to say."

"Every body has something to say," the blonde haired girl, who's name escapes Sara, says.

"Well not me."

"Sara you really need to open up. That way you can get better," Elizabeth says with a smile. 

"And who says I want to get better?"

"You're here aren't you? Doesn't that say something?" Sara puts her head down.

"Sorry, just having a bad day." Elizabeth asks her why. "Today would have been my wedding day."

**Where there is nothing**

**In my lonely heart,**

**To set it fluttering**

**Instead of falling apart.**

**To let my love flow**

**To love without doubts,**

**To understand the meaning**

**Of what oneness is all about.**

_Somehow I've got to find my way. My way back to Gil. My heart it feels like there is nothing left inside to give though. I hope this feeling goes away. The cutting helps. Yeah if they only knew how bad it really was. Or is._

_They think they understand. The doctors and even Michelle. But they don't. Taking physical pain is so much easier to bear than the emotional pain. Maybe Gil could understand that. But do I really want him to know? No, not really. Some things are just too private to even talk about. But I really should, shouldn't I?_

_Thankfully they are all at group so I can be by myself without worries. I guess I should try to call Gil. But will they let me? And why the hell did I come here? Is it really making any difference in my life? Will anything?_

_Gil. My thoughts keep going back to him. Will he still want me? Does he still love me? Will he look at me the same way as he has done in the past? And why do I question everything so? I've got to talk to him. Okay just one more cut, then I'll go use the phone._

"Can I use the phone please?" Sara asks at the desk.

"You know we shut them off during group."

"But this is the only time I can call. Will you please make an exception." Sara is getting a little emotional.

"You really need to calm down Ms. Sidle and step away from the desk," the lady says.

"You know just because I'm in here, doesn't mean I don't deserve to be treated with some sort of dignity. Now turn on the phones. Please." The head nurse comes outs, and after hearing the conversation, instructs the receptionist to turn on the phones just this once. Sara thanks her and goes over to the wall. She picks up the receiver and dials Greg's number. She hopes that he is home. His answer is groggy but cheerful. 

"Hey Greg. I'm sorry to wake you."

"You need to talk to Grissom?"

"I'm sorry. It seems like it's the only time I call you." 

"It's okay Sara. Hold on." Greg does what he needs to do and Sara hears the phone ringing. 

"Hello?" comes a voice as groggy as Greg had.

"Gil, it's me." Grissom sits up in bed.

"Honey you don't sound too good. Are you okay?"

"Just missing you that's all."

"Then come home. Come back to me Sara." Grissom waits for her response. He could hear the tears at the other end.

"I'm so lonely without you Gil. So lonely and empty."

"I feel the same way. Why don't you let me come and get you."

"NO! I mean no. I'll be with you when I can."

"Time's up Ms. Sidle. You need to go back to your room," the nurse says. Sara stares at her angrily.

"Who's that Sara?" Grissom asks.

"Ummm...I've got to go now. I'll call again soon." And with that she hangs up the phone and goes crying to her room. Grissom stares at the phone, not knowing what to make of that intruder. Something is up and he now knows it is time to do something about it. He decides to call Brass.

"Jim, sorry to wake you but I need a favor. I need you to trace a call coming in to my number."

"Well good morning to you too Gil," Brass says sleepily.

"Sorry Jim but this is real important. Can you do it for me?"

"Well you know I need a warrant for that."

"Just tell them that someone's harassing me. Please Jim. It's really important."

"Okay, okay. I'll get right on it." Brass hangs up the phone. Grissom gets up and heads for the shower. Maybe the water will help calm the aching feeling he has deep inside him. When he is finished, he goes back into the bedroom and gets dressed. He isn't going to sleep anyways so might as well start the day until Brass calls back.

It doesn't take long for that call. Grissom is having some toast and coffee when the call comes through. "You owe me big time for this fast service."

"I know...What's the number?" He writes it down as Brass gives it to him. "Jim this is a local number. Are you sure:

"Yes. Now you gonna tell me what's up?"

"I will later Jim. Right now I've got to call this number." Grissom hangs up and quickly dials. It rings four times before someone answers it and says hello.

"Greg?" Grissom asks comfused.

"Ah, yeah. Grissom?" Greg says nervously.

"What are you doing answering Sara's phone?"

"Grissom it's not what you think." Greg knows he has to tell him what is going on. "Meet me at Frank's and I'll tell you about it." Grissoms hangs up the phone and grabs his keys.

"This better be damn good," he says to no one in particular.

**When there is nothing**

**Left of my fallen pride,**

**To pick up the pieces**

**To hide the sadness inside.**

**When there is nothing**

**No one, nowhere, no how**

**You would have thought**

**I'd accept it all by now.**

_Oh that lousy group. Wish I could get out of here. But where would I go and what would I do? Would Gil really still want me? I don't think so. I mean he says he does but I think he's just being nice. I mean if he only knew. Damn I keep saying that. Why won't I let him in? Why won't I just show him that part of me that is so dead inside?_

_Because I am afraid._

"Okay Greg spill it," Grissom demands. Greg takes a sip of his coffee. He wishes it was something stronger.

"Okay Griss. But I'm not sure she'd want me to tell you."

"So then tell me anyway. Where is she?"

"She's in San Fransisco at a mental hospital. She checked herself in about a month ago. She didn't want you to know. She only told me so that I could set up a phone line so she could call you and you wouldn't worry about her."

"Tell me the name of the hospital."

"It's called Circles of Care. Here's their number and address." Grissom takes the piece of paper and stares at it. "Are you going to see her?"

"You're damn right I am." Grissom gets up, throws down some money on the table and left Greg sitting there. He hops into his car and heads for the freeway. If it takes him all night, he is gonna get there and talk some sense into Sara. She shouldn't be in this mental hospital he thought. Everything she ever needed is with him. And he is damn sure, he is gonna show her that.

**When there is nothing**

**Left of me to give,**

**It makes it so hard**

**Just to live.**

**When there is nothing.**

_I just tried to call him. Damn him. Where is Greg? I need to talk to Gil. This is bad. So much sorrow and pain in here. I just can't take it anymore. Cutting just doesn't cut it. Ha, ha._

_Oh and the medication they give you. What a joke that is. I bet it's just a placebo to make you think you're getting something that will help you._

_I feel like I'm on the outside looking in on my life. And I don't see anything. It's so dark and dreary. I said I couldn't let him see me like this. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have stayed. But it's too late now. In a little while, it won't matter anymore. _

_Just need to sit down for a minute. Yeah and close my eys. Close them off to everything that has cause me so much pain. Rest now. All I need is rest._

Grissom drives all night, and gets to the hospital just as visiting hours are over. "I've got to see a Sara Sidle."

"I'm sorry sir, but visiting hours are over," the receptionist replies. Grissom pulls out his ID.

"Gil Grissom, Las Vegas Crime Lab. Now I need to see Miss Sidle and right now." The receptionist calls back to the section where Sara is staying. She gets off the phone and tells Grissom to wait, and that someone will be with him shortly. Grissom can't sit down. He paces back and forth until there is practically a hole in the floor. Suddenly the doors open up and a woman appears. She is dressed in a white lab coat.

"Are you here to see Sara Sidle?" she asks. Grissom shows her his ID. She looks it over and then hands him an envelope.

"She's at the hospital across the way on Hickory Street."

"Why? What's wrong with her?" Grissom asks looking at the envelope. Deja vu of the letter he received months before hits him.

"Mr. Grissom, what is your relationship with Sara?"

"She's my fiance. Now please tell me what's going on."

"Sara tried to commit suicide tonight." Grissom hears the words but couldn't believe them. He looks at the doctor and then at the envelope. He says nothing as he turns and practically runs out the door. He didn't bother taking his car, but runs to the hospital he sees in the distance. Going through the emergency room doors, he goes up to the nurse that is standing there. He flashes his ID and asks about Sara. He is escorted to a waiting area, and is told to sit down until the doctor can get to him.

Grissom did as is told and sits down. He opens up the envelope and reads the poem she has written. The words are hard for him to bare. If he still had a chance, he would show her every day of her life that there is something to her existance. He puts the poem back into the envelope and puts it into his coat pocket. The doctor comes in minutes later.

"Mr. Grissom?" Dr. Markley asks. Grissom gets up and walks over to him. They shake hands after introductions are made.

"How is she Doctor?"

"Well she lost quite a bit of blood but we were able to get a handle on that. We stitched up her wrists and gave her a sedative. We thought that was best."

"Is she awake? Can I see her?"

"The sedative is pretty strong. I doubt that she is awake now. But you may go see her for a bit" Grissom thanks the doctor and follows him to the room where Sara is at. He goes in and up to the bed. She looks so helpless laying there. Tears come to his eyes, as he looked at this beautiful woman who thought that no one was there for her. He picks up her hand and kisses the bandage. He sits down by her side for awhile and watches her sleep. A nurse comes in to check her vitals, and he asks for a piece of paper. She tells him she will be right back with it.

He waits for the nurse and continues his vigil besides her. Hoping and praying that she will awake and say something, anything to him. The nurse comes back in and he thanks her for the paper. He starts to write. When there is everything... He is stopped in this thought by the sound of her stirring. He gets up and grabs her hand again.

"Gil," she says weakly.

**When there is everything**

**Every single part of me,**

**You made me laugh and open up**

**You made me believe.**

**In a love so pure**

**In the magic of you**

**In every wonder that is know**

**All that I've found in you...**

_She said my name. Oh God, she said my name. I've never really been a praying man, but I did that night. I prayed for my beloved. And I started to write her something. Something I wasn't even sure she would be able to read. But something I knew that she had to._

_I should have never let her go. I should have seen the signs earlier. The desperation that she must have felt pains me to no end. But she's here now. And so am I. And though it maybe foolish to say, I think we're gonna make it. She's gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. And we'll do it together. And forever._

"Hey honey," Grissom says touching her hand. She finally wakes up again. She smiles at him. It reminds him of the day in the helicopter. But this time, he is more afraid for her than ever.

"I'm so sorry," she says weakly.

"There is nothing to be sorry about. I'm here now. And I'm never letting you go. I jotted down a few words in answer to your poem."

"Read it to me please. I need to hear it now." Grissom reads the words, and Sara starts to cry. He brushes the tears from her eyes.

"I didn't mean to make you cry Sara. I just wanted you to know that you have more than just nothing in your life."

"I have you then?"

"Forever and ever."

"Then that is everything."

The End...


End file.
